Menu:
Helping Children to Cope With Parents Divorce
When parents decide to live separately, it is a very traumatic situation for a child. How upset the child feels can vary depending on how their parents separated, the age of the child, how much he understands, and the support he gets from family and friends.
The most difficult question - How to tell the child?
It's best if both parents tell the child about the divorce together. Make sure the children understand that you both still love them and will take care of them. Speak honestly and simply.Many children have miconceptions about having to choose a parent or even having to go to court. So it is important that you both educate your children together about what to expect in the coming months and reassure them that you will always be a family, although not living together.
Listen to you children's concerns. Encourage your children to talk so you can remove mis-perceptions.
What you as a parent must do to help your child?
Listen and Talk. Just listening to your children's concerns and feelings is enough to provide them great relief - you don't have to be a solver of all problems. Sometimes just listening is enough.
Good communication with your children is important. Explain as much as possible about the situation and provide them information about:
- where they will stay.
- where they will go to school.
- when they may see the other parent.
Parents must:
- make sure that children know they still have two parents who love them, and will continue to care for them
- protect their children from adult responsibilities
- make it clear that the responsibility for what is happening is the parents'. Children need to be reassured that the divorce was not their fault.
- don't speak negatively to your child about the other parent or extended family, or friends. Support the child's love and relationship with the other parent. Children need continuous contact with both parents to increase their adjustment.
- do not advocate, either with words or actions, that your child is disloyal if he enjoys time with the other parent.
- children often feel "stuck in the middle" when they are expected to carry messages, make phone calls, or spy on the other parent. Don't make children carry out these roles.
- Keep the routine the same in both homes regarding bedtimes, meals, visits with friends or relatives, and discipline. This reassures children they are being well cared for. Children need consistency and stability. This will help your child feel that, in spite of the difficulties, loved ones still care about them and that life can be reasonably normal.
If you and your spouse live happily separately, your children are also more likely to be happy. Be optimistic about a happy future for everyone - optimism is contagious. If you cope well with the changes, your children will likely follow your lead.